By Genevieve Frew

When travelling, no matter how free the spirit or unplanned the journey, there are certain laws that bind us together; the law of averages, the law of the jungle and, of course, Murphy’s law.

On board a recent Cunard cruise I discovered there is another law from which no traveller is exempt, and one in which these other laws apply.

It is the law of the laundry.

On a fifteen night cruise on the stately Queen Victoria, the guest laundries (conveniently located on five decks) were bound to be busy.  This was intensified by the virulent strain of Norovirus on board for which sanitation measures were bumped up to prevent further outbreaks.  The strict measures included shutting the laundries for two separate periods of two hours in order to disinfect all the surfaces.  This cut down the washing and drying time by four precious hours a day and passengers began to show their true colours (as well as their dirty whites), as the laws took effect.

First, the law of averages, because for every washing machine on board there were approximately three hundred passengers with dirty laundry.  This doesn’t include the people staying in suites who had access to their own valet, and those passengers who were happy to pay for their laundry to be ‘sent out’ at a cost.

The law of the jungle, meaning every man for himself, came on the heels of the law of averages within this cruising community.  Whilst some people were happy to queue for anything (especially afternoon tea), others would do anything to avoid a queue and would stoop to any measures.  These hyenas could be found using two machines at once, or worse, loading the same machine again, after one load had finished.  These loathsome creatures incurred the ire of fellow cruisers, who innocently presumed that once that machine was empty, they would have a chance to put on a load.

If they protested, the hyenas would just sneer and leave the laundry, knowing that those who queued were too scared to fight back.  The hyenas could also be known to re-enter the laundry environs, when all their prey were snoozing or eating, and take the prey’s washing out of machines, wet or dry, in order to do their own loads, not giving a fig about folding or fluffing.

And this is where Murphy’s law fits in, dictating that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.  Leaving laundry unattended became risky as some passengers went beyond the pale by stealing items of laundry; usually a single sock here, a pair of running shorts there.  No doubt, they would merely laugh at the pathetic signs tacked to bulletin boards pleading for the return of the beloved items.
One episode took on urban legend status in it’s blatant lawlessness.  It involved a missing dress from one passenger’s laundry.  Upon finding the dress missing, the lady took herself to afternoon tea to cheer herself up.  There, she saw her missing dress being worn by a fellow passenger, whom she approached and challenged on the theft.  The other woman feigned indignation and objected to being quizzed.  When the rightful owner said it was her dress and she had made it with her own two hands, the thief replied, “Prove it!”

On behalf of all those law abiding laundry users, I can only hope that the some other law soon reigns down upon these unlawful kinds of passengers.

Follow Genevieve on Twitter @MistressPurple

Tell me, travel buddies, have you ever experienced foul play with your laundry? Anyone ever nicked off with your knickers?

Cruisin’

By Genevieve Frew

Last year, my way of boosting the world’s ailing economy was to make the Trans Atlantic crossing aboard Cunard’s flagship Queen Mary 2.

Twice.

Sadly, there were no streamers or teary farewells at the dock as, due to strict security regulations these days, Cunard does not allow anyone other than passengers on board.

However, once we had dealt with the bureaucracy of boarding, we were greeted with such enthusiasm by a crowd of staff, we put all thoughts of shore behind us and geared ourselves for the trip of a lifetime.

The complimentary bottle of champagne in our cabin put a buzz back in our step and made unpacking our bags almost fun.

Then it was up on to the deck to listen to the band play whilst we waved goodbye to England, took photos, and sipped on Veuve Clicquot.

One of the joys of cruising is that money is not used on board so any purchases made, including alcohol, salon services and gifts, etc., are charged to a plastic card.  This card also serves as passenger identification and cabin key so spending seems painless – until you get home and check your credit card statement, that is.

There are so many things to do that you can wear yourself out trying to see, hear, learn and play them all – it helps to be discerning as you check through the daily list of activities.

As Australians, we felt obliged to choose activities devoted to the consumption of alcohol, but not without learning about some vital processes first.  There was a ‘Martini Mixology’ class that highlighted the benefits of vodka versus gin and educated us on shaken versus stirred.  There was also a wine tasting seminar that compared the attributes of old world wines with new world wines.

We were happy to taste them all before making any hasty judgements. Naturally, all this alcohol needed to be soaked up with food, and the food on board could not be faulted.  And we had plenty to choose from.

Each night, one of the various food venues stays open throughout the small hours, when the entertainment has finished for the day and weary passengers amble about, lost or hungover, or both.

For those tired passengers who sleep through the daylight hours, missing the activities, and awake dazed and hungry in the afternoon, they may find solace in the scones and sandwiches served at high tea, daily at 3.30pm.

Then it’s off to the gym and spa before dressing up to catch the early show, followed by dinner at any of the many dining venues.

To end the perfect day at sea, there is stargazing in the planetarium, (or see the real thing up on deck), then meet new friends over drinks in the Commodore Club, before heading to the casino, and finally dancing the night away in the nightclub.

We can’t wait to do it all again and have already booked next year’s cruise.

Genevieve is a trained actor with a BA in Theatre and English from UNSW.  She now lives in Melbourne but misses her friends and family in Sydney.  At an early age, she told her father she wanted to travel the world and write about it.  He responded, “What on earth for?”  It has taken her several decades to get over his response, but now there’s simply no stopping her.  She hopes he’d be proud.