That’s how I looked after every spa treatment I had in Thailand, give or take an oil sheen and some smudged mascara. I tried three radically different spas; one city, one island and one beachside. Here’s the verdict:

COMO Shambhala Urban Escape, The Metropolitan Bangkok

The entryway is a clean, open space with a long white counter and a smiling line-up of immaculately groomed therapists.They are all dressed in white. It’s like walking into heaven, but without the unfortunate precursor.

The most notable thing about this spa is its lack of traditional Thai carvings, woven fabrics or colourful kitsch; this place is 100 per cent sleek and modern.

I am directed to a vast white bathroom and locker room where I change into my robe and slippers. I reluctantly leave my iPhone behind and follow the therapist into the darkened room for my signature COMO Shambhala massage.

Today has been a long day. I’ve only had two hours of angsty pre-trip sleep in the past 20 hours. The massage therapist is really up against it when it comes to my neck and shoulder muscles; they are made of Sarah Connor-like steel after spending the past twelve days hunched over a keyboard.

For the first ten minutes, I hyperventilate about being away from my phone.

For the next twenty minutes, I compose a ‘to do’ list.

For the next twenty minutes, I reluctantly start drooling on the flower under the massage table.

For the final ten minutes, I can’t tell you what happened because I think I fell asleep.

When I am ushered out to the foyer, I am handed a bizarre concoction of ginger and honey.

The downside of all this is that I am now late for dinner (my fault – I was late for my appointment) so I have to gulp down the tea and make a run for it, thus undoing all the hard work of my lovely therapist.

The Rayavadee Spa, The Rayavadee, Ao Nang

There are brass monkeys everywhere. There’s one next to the sign out the front, there are five of them in the foyer and I am pretty sure there is one peeking in the window of the treatment room.

Fortunately it never gets cold in Krabi because that would be bad for the boy monkeys.

I am here to try out a Royal Signature treatment that sounds like it has a bit of everything; aromatherapy, shiatsu and Thai massage. What most appeals to me is the use of herbal compresses that are heated up and placed on your back.

First things first, I have my feet scrubbed and washed by a therapist with a cheery smile and a chatty nature. We talk about husbands and kids and work until it’s time for me to lie down and shut up (a rare thing indeed).

I have very particular likes and dislikes when it comes to massage pressure. Basically, I used to go and see a guy named Hung (nickname: Hung the Torturer) who would crush away my aches and pains. Sure, it hurt like hell while he was doing it but I would be an inch taller by the time I left his treatment rooms. Subsequently anything less than ‘excruciating’ feels a little bit wussy.

Sadly, this massage is too soft. I am not in agony at all. I ask for her to press a little harder but still no agonising pain. I think Hung has ruined me for normal human pain thresholds. I am invincible and yet, I am now incapable of enjoying a perfectly lovely massage.

When this gentle assault is over, I drink my ginger tea and wonder how I became so tough.

Pathways Spa, The Sarojin, Khao Lak

You know how in most spas they play CDs with the sound of waves and birds squawking inoffensively in the background?

Now, imagine that you are actually BY THE SEA. The breeze and the smell of the ocean and the gently rustling leaves ARE ALL REAL.

That is what Pathways Spa is like. The real deal. You walk in and a kind looking woman greets you and takes your shoes. You then shuffle to a lounge area, fill out the obligatory paperwork and select your oil from a choice of six scents. I go for something saucy sounding (even though I am going to be spending a thoroughly unromantic night alone in my huge, glamourous suite).

I am then lead to a treatment room that is open-ended, with an outlook towards the She-Oaks that fringe the shore of the white sand beach.

Another excellent feature of this room is the fact that behind the partition at the end, there is a toilet. I always get slightly nervy before a massage because I am afraid I’m going to need to wee half way through. The presence of an easily accessible loo makes me feel much better (call me neurotic).

Here’s the bit where I confess that I can’t remember what kind of massage I had. All I know is that it was really good. So good, in fact, that by the end of the treatment I can’t remember my own name. I feel like Jason Bourne (the bit where he washes up on a beach with amnesia; not the bit where he kicks a bunch of bad dudes’ asses).  Sadly, I will never be played by Matt Damon but I am OK with that. I have just had one of the best massages of my life.

The purpose of this (totally Freudian) dick-filled orifice is apparently ‘chok dee’ or good luck for the local fishing community. The idea is that you front up to the cave, carved penis, burning incense and flowers in hand, and you pray to the Princess of the Cave for a good catch. This is a hyper-local tradition that to the modest Thai employees of the Rayavadee Resort is as normal as plastering the Australian flag on your arm on Australia Day.

Which makes me think that maybe we need a Cock Cave in Sydney? After all, if there are plenty of fish in the sea, why not shift the odds in favour of a good catch?

What is the weirdest, most outlandish thing you have ever seen overseas? Surely there must be phallic things all over the place … do tell!

I am sitting here with a very distinguished group of journalists and we are all fighting fatigue, having just flown in from Australia. Our body clocks are telling us it’s 11pm but our booking is for 7pm so we’re in for the long haul.

The first course amuse bouche comes out in the form of a pineapple slice topped with minced pork and prawns, the next is a rice crisp topped with aromatics … and from then on, there is a procession of dishes that have an unusual anti-gravitational effect. I say this because as we eat our way through each set, our spirits rise and rise and rise.

David proffers a much-lauded French Pinot Gris and warns us that while this is his recommendation, we may not like it. The truth is, I love it. It’s viscous and sweet, like afternoon sunshine in a glass. Next in line is a Riesling and finally the 2007 Chateau de Neuf du Pape, a French blend that is quite possibly the best red wine I have ever tasted (and let’s be honest; I drink a lot).

Dish after dish – juicy chunks of fresh crab in choo chee sauce, jungle curry with snapper, pepper pork with tiny spears of green chilli, stringily tender salt beef, snap peas and squid ink and green chicken curry that is hot, deep and complicated like an ill-fated love affair.

As an aside to the meal, a very beloved old friend of mine arrives two hours early at the hotel and I take the risk of including her in this ‘work’ dinner. Napat was my host sister 13 years ago so I am beyond delighted to see her. Tonight, she has shown up in leopard print dress with a nose piercing (I always knew she would turn out fabulous!).

What transpires is that David does not react with anything even close to affront (which is what I had feared). He welcomes Napat with genuine warmth and humility. He asks her how she is, where she lives and what she thinks of the food (all in fluent Thai). I am enamoured by this twitchy, pallid man with sharp eyes.  He has shown his true colours and I decide that colour is pure gold.

The rules of the nomad

By Greta Lackey

I thought you were an international jet-setter? A phrase an ‘international jet-setter’ never wants to hear…

It’s been nearly one year since my last overseas trip (which was to New Zealand – does that even count?). But it’s actually been about 3 years since I quit my job, packed up and left on a whim. I floated from country to country, without  a care in the world, without a travel companion, without booking or planning and with a finite amount of money. I had no phone, no job, no plans, no mortgage … It was glorious!

I met amazing people, had extraordinary experiences and learnt many interesting facts about different countries and cultures. I didn’t lose anything, never had anything stolen, was never hurt, delayed, disoriented or displaced …

Six months later, I had travelled through over a dozen countries without so much as a hiccup.

All this seems like a very long time ago now… So long that it seems I’ve forgotten all the golden rules of the nomad.

When I arrived at the airport this morning, on my way to a much deserved holiday in Thailand, I remembered that I had forgotten … Everything!

Did I have my ticket on me – no!

Did I previously weigh my luggage to make sure it was under the required 7kg for carry on – no!

Did I bring the adaptor that I had strategically placed next to my luggage this morning – no!

Did I remember my earphones so I could drown out the inevitable in-flight mayhem – no!

Did I have any Aussie money on me so I could buy a much needed 6am coffee at the airport – no!

So, I was forced to explain in great and very ineloquent detail what flight I was on, I had to stuff my sneakers, my toiletry bag and my undies into my already overflowing handbag, I had to buy an outrageously expensive adaptor from the airport, I went without a coffee, and I have nothing to listen to on the way over – hence I’m writing this rant…

International jet-setter, I think not!

Have you ever arrived at the airport before a flight to remember that you have forgotten everything?

Have you ever arrived at the airport before a flight to remember that you have forgotten everything?

There are certain idiosyncrasies that it’s worth knowing about before you head off to South East Asia, particularly for the ladies, as there are quite strict standards of dress at some religious sites.

Here’s my foolproof guide to not looking / feeling like a total d*ckhead in Asia:

1. Cover up

It might be 35 degrees and a billion per cent humidity but I strongly recommend (especially girls) that you cover your arms, legs and décolletage. I didn’t take my own advice and spent a whole day being stared at.  It turns out that the long-sleeved silk shirtdress that I felt so clever for buying in Hanoi was too short and a little bit see-through. Much embarrassment ensued.

Pack long skirts, lightweight long pants and shirts with sleeves (preferably ones that don’t expose too much chest). You will feel like a dag but you will avoid becoming a social pariah and you won’t get sunburnt (see Point 2).

2. Take (and wear) sunscreen

It’s not always easy to find sunscreen in Asia so take some 30+ with you and don’t be fooled by the seemingly weak sunshine. Just because there isn’t a gaping hole in the ozone layer directly overhead doesn’t mean you should risk frying yourself. Again, I did not take my own advice and got horrifying sunburnt at Ha Long Bay. A surefire way to look like a dumb tourist is to walk around looking like a tomato.

3. Ladies, take your own, erm, lady things

While you can buy most toiletries and pharmaceuticals, you can’t buy tampons. On the upside, you can buy Valium over the counter. Just sayin’…

4. Take your own books and magazines

Because you are reading this, I am going to assume you speak English. There are bookstores that sell material in English but I wouldn’t encourage you to buy it because, a) it’s usually poisonously expensive and, b) it’s lame. If you’re a bookworm and don’t want you to die of intellectual starvation, make sure you BYO.

5. Wine and Champagne

Wine is exorbitantly expensive in Asia, particularly in Thailand where there is a 300 per cent tax applied (even on locally produced wines which I have heard described as a ‘shiraz smoothie’. Mmm … delicious). If you can’t bear the thought of a holiday without fermented grape juice, make sure you buy wine at Australian duty-free before you leave. Mind you, if you find yourself in Dalat, in the highlands of Vietnam, you have to try the local wine. It is spectacularly bad. It will make you laugh. It will make you cry.

6. Thongs

If you are Australian, you probably wouldn’t dream of leaving the house without a pair of thongs, let alone the country. Having said that, thongs are incredibly handy in South East Asia. Unlike Japan, Thai and Vietnamese people are pretty casual, especially in regional areas, so thongs will serve you well as you wade through wet season puddles, head to a beach bar, go shopping or pad around town with freshly manicured toenails.

I am also the daughter of an aircraft engineer so I have spent many happy hours loitering in the hangar at Dad’s work, annoying people, looking around in planes, annoying people … that sort of thing. I have grown up with an affinity for aircraft that borders on obsession. I love them. I love the little TV screens. I love the airline meals. I love taking off and landing. Don’t even get me started on in-flight entertainment.

When the team at Thai Airways asked me to write up a trip to Thailand and Vietnam for their Royal Orchid Club blog earlier this year, I thought I was hallucinating. Me? You want me to go and be a VIP?

Ummm, OK then …

And for this privilege I will always be truly grateful. Thai Airways are great. The flight attendants are pretty (unlike another unnamed airline that starts with ‘Q’), the food is dericious, the in-flight entertainment is top notch and the crew are pleasant to you at the beginning and the end of the flight.

The thing I loved most about them, however, was how they reacted when Cheryl and I nearly missed our return flight to Australia.

I am an airhead at the best of times but in this instance, I really outdid myself. We arrived at the airport at 5am. We shopped. We ate breakfast. We hmphed around impatiently until 7.57am when we thought, ‘We’d better go to the gate’.

Guess what? The flight DEPARTED at 8am.

Much unpleasant running ensued. When we finally reached the gate, some strained looking people were ushering us through and here’s the thing … they were smiling.

Only on Thai Airways …

Age: 40 (and thanks for asking!)

Occupation: Hotel Manager

Where do you live and how did you get there?: At the moment in Pattaya, Thailand.

The route was a bit roundabout, from Dublin via London (where strangely I was introduced to Australian culture!) then into IT forsome reason and off to China.  I stayed with IT, unsure that anyone else would have me and ended up on the road doing projects around Africa and the Middle East for Starwood Hotels & Resorts for a few years.  My final IT role was responsibility for Asia Pacific with Starwood based in Sunny Singapore.  After that I went back to hotel operations and joined the pre-opening team of Sheraton Macau, but when this halted temporarily I transferred to the wonderful Sheraton Pattaya Resort!  And so here I am.

Why did you move there?: For work, General Manager at the Sheraton Pattaya Resort and loving it.

What do you love about your town/city?: So many people just think of red-light district when you mention Pattaya but I love the diversity.  25 minutes from Walking Street you can be watching a Royal Thai Polo tournament, be flying across the treetops on ziplines, watching the Pattaya tennis open or walking the dog on an empty beach as the sun sets over the ocean.  I think it’s the great variety of activities on offer here.

What is the most frustrating thing about your town/city?: Probably the reputation of Pattaya.  When I tell people where I live and work, there tends to be a brief moment of silence while they quickly make some assumptions about me!

What is the predominant faith in your area?: Buddhism

How does it affect your day-to-day life?: It really is inherent in the everyday life of Thailand and Pattaya is no exception. It is refreshing to see people carefully scoop up a stray ant and place it outside rather than roll up a paper and give it a smack.  The worship of spirits is also intertwined with Buddhism and can be seen every day with the Spirit House rituals and prayers.

Please describe typical local food: While you can get almost all cuisines in Pattaya, some of the more famous dishes involve seafood since we are on the coast.

Are there any major attractions in your town? If so, what are they?: Walking Street tends to be on everyone’s itinerary, but people also add the Tiger Zoo, Nong Nuch gardens, all the sea sports, trips to the islands, Elephant Park, go-karting and golfing.  The Flight of the Gibbon adventure flying through the mountains on ziplines is a must-do!

What do the locals do for fun?: Pattaya is definitely a party town both for tourists and locals alike.  As well as sports and artistic pursuits, Pattaya people like to party.  It’s not unusual to see people still laughing and dancing in bars and clubs at 6am.

Any tips or advice for people visiting your area?: (In addition to staying at Sheraton Pattaya Resort, the leading world class luxury resort in the region?)  I would advise to keep a smile on our face, be open to meeting some very nice people, try the food, don’t get stressed and always make an effort to watch the glorious sunset.  You’re in Thailand, and it really IS amazing.

Thai and Vietnamese people are fundamentally hospitable, friendly and almost a little bit innocent. I know I am generalising and that is always dangerous but this has been my consistent observation over two trips to both countries or, put another way, 13 months of waiting for someone to lose their cool. So far, it hasn’t happened. In such a hot,

People are openly watchful but without malice or innuendo. Things that wouldn’t evenraise an eyebrow in Australia such as an exposed knee cap or sheer top are cause for curious glances from men that congregate around scooters or on low plastic chairs on the footpath.

I am a ‘farang’ in Thailand; a ‘long nose’ In Vietnam. My unwieldy white body feels huge as I weave among tiny-framed people whose waists are as big as my thigh. I tower over everybody and despite attempts at being reciprocally gracious and happy, I am too loud, too clumsy and just generally too much.

In restaurants, there is no such thing as the haughty or lackadaisical attitudes I am accustomed to in Sydney. Everything is brought to the table swiftly, courteously and gracefully. It’s all smiles and speed in silk uniforms, precision and practice. I encounter one slightly bitchy bar girl and for once, I feel right at home as she looks at me impatiently while I try to pick a cocktail.

In Thailand, it’s a wai off. Everyone is bowing and wai -ing, bowing and wai-ing. I try to keep up but fail. I start to feel a bit comical like one of those nodding toy dogs you see on dashboards. Business cards are presented with both hands and received with both hands. More bowing. More well wishes. I back away.

In Hanoi, a taxi driver accidentally knocks a man off his scooter and there is a brief flash of anger on his face as he points out the damage. She smiles, and smiles and apologises until eventually he smiles and nods and rides off. No numbers are exchanged. No insurance details. The driver says she is, ‘ok, ok’ and I marvel at her calm. I have had car accidents before and I am always shaking afterwards, horrified at my inattention to the road or livid that someone could be so blind. This lady just gets on with it. It’s just another ordinary day.

Humour is an entirely different beast in Asia too. Most of my gags rely on irony and sarcasm, two things that don’t seem to exist here. I will make a joke out of just about anything but here, everyone is laughing but they’re not laughing at anything. They’re just happy for no reason.

Tell me, Dearest Ones, which countries have you found to be super calm? And which countries have the angriest citizens?

In the interests of research (yeah right), I did the following: Hair cut and dye, manicure and pedicure, eyelash extensions and facial. Here are the places I tried:

Linda Nail – 3 Hang Non, Hanoi
If you want a quick and dirty mani/pedi, this place is great. For USD $3 per treatment, they will cram you into a narrow shop filled with the fumes of ten furiously filing manicurists and give you a reasonably decent set of nails in under an hour. They may not be perfectly straight but they’re better than my usual troll claws.

Yves Rocher – 125 Hang Bong St, Hoang Kiem District, Hanoi

I was initially attracted to this shop because it was, a) air-conditioned and because b) my big sister orders Yves Rocher body wash from France and I had never seen a retail shop before.

Upon entering, I decided I never wanted to leave so I booked the longest facial appointment I could get under the auspices of needing to sort out my profusely sweaty pores.

An hour and a half later, having been exfoliated, sand blasted, suctioned and peeled, I drifted downstairs feeling a million bucks. After being charged around AUD $50 for the service, I was dismayed to discover that my skin looked pretty much exactly the same. Still, it was a pleasant experience and I would go back just for the air-con.

Take Care – Shop Sukhumvit 19, Bangkok , www.takecarebeauty.com
Eyelash extensions are a relatively new phenomena but after seeing the radical glamourfying effects on my friends, I had to get me some new lashes. In Australia, this treatment is ultra pricey but in Thailand, it costs around AUD $20.

A very patient therapist spends an hour gluing individual lashes to my real (stumpy) lashes and the result is faaaaahhhhbulous. I am a little bit in love with myself for the next day as I bat my eyelashes flirtatiously at every moving object.

Nghia Tran Salon – 50 Nam Ngu St, Hanoi
Around the corner from the hotel I stayed at in Hanoi (The Mercure), is The Best Hairdresser in the Entire World. His name is Tran and he came 4th in the National L’Oreal Professional Colour Trophy in 2009.

Tran is a perfectionist. I arrive at 6pm on a Saturday night and leave at 9.30pm. He clearly cares so much about what he does. My cut and colour (which also included the most bizarre facial massage and a scalp massage) cost all of 800 VND which is about AUD $40. The same treatment would cost at least $200 in Sydney. Tran is, without doubt, the most talented hairdresser I have ever met and I spend the next day fantasising about how I can smuggle him out to Australia and make him the enormous star he deserves to be.

I would like to say it’s because of the profound spiritual affect it has on me but I would be lying. I am happily agnostic, despite having completed a Buddhist nunship and a Chinese Buddhist initiation. If I was going to subscribe to any faith, it would be Buddhism, such is the gentle, inclusive and non-judgemental nature of the belief system.

Nonetheless, the reason I like Wat Pra Keow so much is because the place is blingin’. Like a stoned teenager in a 7-Eleven, I cannot get enough of shiny things and this temple is like an ancient disco ball.

The whole complex covers an area of roughly 2kms and according to my friend Wikipedia, ‘has over 100 buildings with 200 years royal history and architectural experimentation linked to it. The architectural style is named as Rattanakosin style (old Bangkok style)’.

I have been to Wat Phra Kaew several times. The first time I visited, I was 17 and it was the first temple I had ever been to. Weirdly, I remember being a bit freaked out. To a kid from Tamworth who was overseas for the first time, I think my head was about to explode and visiting the sparkliest place in the world didn’t help.

Fast-forward a couple of months and shamwow! I really saw the temple on my next circuit. The intricate detail in the frescoes, the elaborate mosaics, the gnarly old Bodhi trees. I walked around gaping and snapping with my old Pentax for over two hours. This visit inspired months of painting and drawing, which I still have recorded in old journals.

13 years later and I can take it all in my stride. I still find the temple gobsmackingly beautiful, I still want to steal one of the little temples and put it in my backyard as a cubby house (OK, so maybe that’s sacrilegious but they’re very cute) and I still feel awed by the majesty of the place and yet, I feel comfortable here. I know the protocol for prayer and blessings. I am not worried about inadvertently offending people. I know I need to cover up.

I think it is a privilege to get to a point in a foreign culture where you finally feel like you understand and that is how I felt at Wat Phra Kaew this time. Third time lucky.