There are certain idiosyncrasies that it’s worth knowing about before you head off to South East Asia, particularly for the ladies, as there are quite strict standards of dress at some religious sites.

Here’s my foolproof guide to not looking / feeling like a total d*ckhead in Asia:

1. Cover up

It might be 35 degrees and a billion per cent humidity but I strongly recommend (especially girls) that you cover your arms, legs and décolletage. I didn’t take my own advice and spent a whole day being stared at.  It turns out that the long-sleeved silk shirtdress that I felt so clever for buying in Hanoi was too short and a little bit see-through. Much embarrassment ensued.

Pack long skirts, lightweight long pants and shirts with sleeves (preferably ones that don’t expose too much chest). You will feel like a dag but you will avoid becoming a social pariah and you won’t get sunburnt (see Point 2).

2. Take (and wear) sunscreen

It’s not always easy to find sunscreen in Asia so take some 30+ with you and don’t be fooled by the seemingly weak sunshine. Just because there isn’t a gaping hole in the ozone layer directly overhead doesn’t mean you should risk frying yourself. Again, I did not take my own advice and got horrifying sunburnt at Ha Long Bay. A surefire way to look like a dumb tourist is to walk around looking like a tomato.

3. Ladies, take your own, erm, lady things

While you can buy most toiletries and pharmaceuticals, you can’t buy tampons. On the upside, you can buy Valium over the counter. Just sayin’…

4. Take your own books and magazines

Because you are reading this, I am going to assume you speak English. There are bookstores that sell material in English but I wouldn’t encourage you to buy it because, a) it’s usually poisonously expensive and, b) it’s lame. If you’re a bookworm and don’t want you to die of intellectual starvation, make sure you BYO.

5. Wine and Champagne

Wine is exorbitantly expensive in Asia, particularly in Thailand where there is a 300 per cent tax applied (even on locally produced wines which I have heard described as a ‘shiraz smoothie’. Mmm … delicious). If you can’t bear the thought of a holiday without fermented grape juice, make sure you buy wine at Australian duty-free before you leave. Mind you, if you find yourself in Dalat, in the highlands of Vietnam, you have to try the local wine. It is spectacularly bad. It will make you laugh. It will make you cry.

6. Thongs

If you are Australian, you probably wouldn’t dream of leaving the house without a pair of thongs, let alone the country. Having said that, thongs are incredibly handy in South East Asia. Unlike Japan, Thai and Vietnamese people are pretty casual, especially in regional areas, so thongs will serve you well as you wade through wet season puddles, head to a beach bar, go shopping or pad around town with freshly manicured toenails.

Thai and Vietnamese people are fundamentally hospitable, friendly and almost a little bit innocent. I know I am generalising and that is always dangerous but this has been my consistent observation over two trips to both countries or, put another way, 13 months of waiting for someone to lose their cool. So far, it hasn’t happened. In such a hot,

People are openly watchful but without malice or innuendo. Things that wouldn’t evenraise an eyebrow in Australia such as an exposed knee cap or sheer top are cause for curious glances from men that congregate around scooters or on low plastic chairs on the footpath.

I am a ‘farang’ in Thailand; a ‘long nose’ In Vietnam. My unwieldy white body feels huge as I weave among tiny-framed people whose waists are as big as my thigh. I tower over everybody and despite attempts at being reciprocally gracious and happy, I am too loud, too clumsy and just generally too much.

In restaurants, there is no such thing as the haughty or lackadaisical attitudes I am accustomed to in Sydney. Everything is brought to the table swiftly, courteously and gracefully. It’s all smiles and speed in silk uniforms, precision and practice. I encounter one slightly bitchy bar girl and for once, I feel right at home as she looks at me impatiently while I try to pick a cocktail.

In Thailand, it’s a wai off. Everyone is bowing and wai -ing, bowing and wai-ing. I try to keep up but fail. I start to feel a bit comical like one of those nodding toy dogs you see on dashboards. Business cards are presented with both hands and received with both hands. More bowing. More well wishes. I back away.

In Hanoi, a taxi driver accidentally knocks a man off his scooter and there is a brief flash of anger on his face as he points out the damage. She smiles, and smiles and apologises until eventually he smiles and nods and rides off. No numbers are exchanged. No insurance details. The driver says she is, ‘ok, ok’ and I marvel at her calm. I have had car accidents before and I am always shaking afterwards, horrified at my inattention to the road or livid that someone could be so blind. This lady just gets on with it. It’s just another ordinary day.

Humour is an entirely different beast in Asia too. Most of my gags rely on irony and sarcasm, two things that don’t seem to exist here. I will make a joke out of just about anything but here, everyone is laughing but they’re not laughing at anything. They’re just happy for no reason.

Tell me, Dearest Ones, which countries have you found to be super calm? And which countries have the angriest citizens?

In the interests of research (yeah right), I did the following: Hair cut and dye, manicure and pedicure, eyelash extensions and facial. Here are the places I tried:

Linda Nail – 3 Hang Non, Hanoi
If you want a quick and dirty mani/pedi, this place is great. For USD $3 per treatment, they will cram you into a narrow shop filled with the fumes of ten furiously filing manicurists and give you a reasonably decent set of nails in under an hour. They may not be perfectly straight but they’re better than my usual troll claws.

Yves Rocher – 125 Hang Bong St, Hoang Kiem District, Hanoi

I was initially attracted to this shop because it was, a) air-conditioned and because b) my big sister orders Yves Rocher body wash from France and I had never seen a retail shop before.

Upon entering, I decided I never wanted to leave so I booked the longest facial appointment I could get under the auspices of needing to sort out my profusely sweaty pores.

An hour and a half later, having been exfoliated, sand blasted, suctioned and peeled, I drifted downstairs feeling a million bucks. After being charged around AUD $50 for the service, I was dismayed to discover that my skin looked pretty much exactly the same. Still, it was a pleasant experience and I would go back just for the air-con.

Take Care – Shop Sukhumvit 19, Bangkok , www.takecarebeauty.com
Eyelash extensions are a relatively new phenomena but after seeing the radical glamourfying effects on my friends, I had to get me some new lashes. In Australia, this treatment is ultra pricey but in Thailand, it costs around AUD $20.

A very patient therapist spends an hour gluing individual lashes to my real (stumpy) lashes and the result is faaaaahhhhbulous. I am a little bit in love with myself for the next day as I bat my eyelashes flirtatiously at every moving object.

Nghia Tran Salon – 50 Nam Ngu St, Hanoi
Around the corner from the hotel I stayed at in Hanoi (The Mercure), is The Best Hairdresser in the Entire World. His name is Tran and he came 4th in the National L’Oreal Professional Colour Trophy in 2009.

Tran is a perfectionist. I arrive at 6pm on a Saturday night and leave at 9.30pm. He clearly cares so much about what he does. My cut and colour (which also included the most bizarre facial massage and a scalp massage) cost all of 800 VND which is about AUD $40. The same treatment would cost at least $200 in Sydney. Tran is, without doubt, the most talented hairdresser I have ever met and I spend the next day fantasising about how I can smuggle him out to Australia and make him the enormous star he deserves to be.

Camping is so much fun because it takes you waaaay outside your normal life. You fall asleep to the white noise of cicadas and the creepy crackle and hoot of the bush, you pee in holes or in far distant toilet blocks and drink a lot of sherry shandies around the campfire at night (or maybe that was just my family).

The striking contrast of staying in in swish hotels fills me with the same sense of glee. Fluffy bathrobes! A horizon pool! A neverending breakfast buffet with coffee so bottomless that you might die of a happy heart seizure before noon!

A couple of weeks ago, my beloved Step-Mum Cheryl and I were lucky enough to stay in some seriously fancy hotels . We had the BEST time. All that crispy linen that we didn’t have to wash, gracious welcome messages from management, complimentary spa vouchers … we couldn’t get enough of it!

But after a while, a funny thing happened. I started to find fault. The air-conditioning was making a funny sound, there was no milk in the mini-bar, my swipe key wouldn’t work and I had to walk through monsoonal rain to get it reloaded. Hmph.

I have this theory that you should always start from a low base so that everything better seems so much better. Now that I have stayed in some of the best hotels in Asia, I am kind of worried. Will the bedbug ridden hostels of my past now seem untenable? Will I still be able to cheerfully buy breakfast from 7-Eleven? Will a 200 baht Thai massage seem really dodgy now I have had a 1750 baht massage in a day spa?

Have I turned into an accommodation snob? Like a pampered poodle, am I going to need paw booties and a Valium to walk on rough concrete?

Tell me, my friends, what do you love about fancy hotels? And can you ever go back to being a budget traveller once you’ve gone five star?

Uh, that would be me.

The utterly delightful people at Thai Airways are sending me on a little adventure. To say I am excited would be like saying the Dalai Lama is a good bloke. I am beside myself.

I am travelling from 3rd – 14th August and am visiting Bangkok and Hanoi and lots of places nearby.

Because I get to gallivant willy nilly while I am there, I was just wondering if there’s anything you recommend? Anything you’re curious about? Anything you want me to go and try for you? I am a very willing guinea pig … hell, I will even eat a guinea pig!

What are you favourite things to do in Thailand and Vietnam?

When I lived in Thailand, eating out was a constant Russian roulette of gore. Chicken’s feet, duck’s blood jelly or BBQ dog; you name the animal and I reckon the Thais have found a way to cook it, curry it or failing that, whack it in a jar to frighten the children.

Same goes for the Vietnamese. I remember a very funny dinner where the ‘brave’ (read: show pony) member of our group ordered a deep-fried rat. He got part of its tiny, tiny jaw stuck in his throat. My rule of thumb is that if it can eat you, you shouldn’t eat it and rats will eat you. I’ve seen the BBC’s version of ’1984′.

In Texas, it’s not so much the ingredients that scare you as the quantities.  For example, I was deeply puzzled by the French toast at The Hyatt. It seemed to be made from molten sugar, texturised butter and something undescribable that could only be the work of the Devil. I had to investigate. Turns out they take a big, thick slice of white bread, butter it on both sides, dip it in sugar, batter it, deep-fry and then dip it in sugar again. So good, and yet, ouch, my chest … gurgleahhh … DOA. This is the same hotel where scrambled eggs come straight out of a carton. Yes, these people are so lazy (or semi-catatonic from carbohydrate overload) that they can nary scramble an ova.

My favourite weird food experience, however, was in Peru. But before I go on, I would like to tell you a little story. Imagine you are a young man growing up in the countryside. Your family has lots of pets, including a large clan of lovingly raised guinea pigs. Now imagine that you are asked to mow the lawn on a ride-on mower but noone tells you that the guinea pigs are free-range that day. Forget Texas Chainsaw; this was the Tamworth Mower Massacre.

What is a terribly sad tale in Australia is an entree in Peru.

A year or so ago, The Future Husband and I were up in the hills near Cusco when we popped into a local village for lunch. This was the kind of place where the locals sell you all kinds of hand-woven, hand-dyed wallhangings made out of alpaca wool and the tears of Shamans. We bought everything in sight and signed up for banquet.

We had a nice sopa, followed by a nice roasted guinea pig on bed of rehydrated potatoes. What was especially nice was the fact that we didn’t have to fight over who got the legs because there was enough to go around.

Tell me, Hungry Caterpillars, what have you eaten that freaked the hell out of you? Stuffed cockroach anyone?

By Maggie Videan

Hanoi is a wonderful city, busy and bustling, with a feast of fabulous local eateries that are well priced and boast wonderful fare.

As such, my short sojourn in Hanoi was enhanced by the fact that I am such a ‘foodie’; I was in my element out and about savouring the delights of this very interesting and diverse cuisine. Hardly anyone speaks English, so the trick is to track down a local who can help with some menu choices. Then, have them write the ones you like in Vietnamese so the next place you eat, you can ask for your faves. While the locals may not be fluent in English, they will, however, often be able to read an address, or specification or instruction, including obscure things like shoe brands and sizes or menu choices.

Many places, such as ‘Delicious’ restaurant, have their entire menu photographed, so the hapless foreigner can simply point to what looks appetising.

So, back to the food. Everything in ‘Delicious’ is delicious and so cheap. Rice-based carbs are a staple across the country and very adaptable to a variety of dishes. You will find rice noodles in the traditional dish Pho soup. It is also the basis for a dish of large rectangular soft rice sheets with fried spring onions and soy served as an appetiser. Rice paper sheets are often offered with a meal to wrap various yummy bits and pieces.

When selecting a dish that includes wrapping things up, you will be given a selection of vegetables and interesting herbs to accompany whatever the main item is. Of note is (Tom Banh Tiang) the minced prawns cooked on sugar cane skewers accompanied by slices of raw green banana, thinly sliced cucumber, bean shoots and a selection of interesting fresh, aromatic herbs, chilli paste as well as a light sweet sauce. So, one combines the selection offered according to personal preference, but the result is a total ‘taste explosion’ which then sets up the conundrum, ‘How will I combine the next selection to replicate what I just had?’.

The list of local cuisine is endless. Let me suggest the ‘must have’s:

• Pho is the local soup and is to die for. It consists of  broth of some description (either beef or chicken), sliced meat or chicken, rice noodles, a bit of green veg, some fried and fresh shallots. Good pho, as I was told, has shredded Banana/Lotus Flower in it. It is served with lemon/lime slices and chilli paste. It is available everywhere but I found a great place in the old Quarter called Huyen Huong which was very reasonable for a quick lunch between checking out the endless silk and handicraft shops. It is located just a block away from the lake at 20 Bao Khan.
• Green Mango Salad is another fabulous dish and served to perfection at ‘Highway 4’. The simple fried noodle with vegetables was surprisingly good also.
• For the finale, across the road from the featured ‘Delicious’ restaurant, is the most exceptional French Patisserie I have ever been to. An enormous selection of all things French and delectable are displayed to tempt even the fullest Pho tum into something sweet for the tooth and wicked for the waist line!

Maggie Videan is a professional trainer, MC and speaker. For further information email videan@bigpond.net.au