Christmas gifts for people you hate

In keeping with my current Christmas gift-buying obsession, here’s my fail-proof guide to gifts for people you loathe:

  1. A leaf blower: You hate them. Soon, everyone else will too.
  2. A chutney gift pack: Has anyone ever used a Christmas chutney? This will live in their pantry and/or fridge and be moved from house to house, cluttering up their life in a way that would make Marie Kondo cringe.
  3. Underpants that are too small: Just one size too small so they can lament how fat they are.
  4. Aldi gin: Aldi is a magical place full of camping gear and German sauerkraut but nothing says ‘I hope you spend Christmas crying’ quite like budget gin. Bonus points for a DVD of Leaving Las Vegas.
  5. An expensive gift voucher for something they will never do or use: It will cause a low level sense of stress as the expiry date rolls around because money but also, nope.
  6. Live spiders inside a delicious Christmas cake: Boy, won’t they get a surprise when they bite into a still twitching funnel web.
  7. An angry phone call from their ex-partner: Nothing says ‘I hate you’ quite like an unexpected call from an enraged ex-partner.
  8. A shark dive experience: Look at how brave they are … oops … were.
  9. A puppy: So cute and yet so destructive, just like Kim Jong Un.
  10. A colonic treatment: They have spent all year giving you the sh*ts. Now it’s your turn to even the score.

What is the worst present you have ever been given? What did you do with it?


One Response to “Christmas gifts for people you hate”
  1. For the office Kris Kringel: Wrap a bottle of Draino to look like an expensive aperitif. Yes, I did this.

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