Dating advice for men

Merman

Even mermen need love

Looking for a lady to love? Here are a few tips from the other side of the fence to help you get into the hearts (and pants) of women with brains.

1. Spellcheck your online dating profile: Can’t spell to save your life? There’s this magical thing called Spellcheck on most word processors. Bad at grammar? Avoid referring to your, you’re, there, their or they’re and you may eventually date a literate woman.

2. Make your username something innocuous: As my friend pointed out recently ‘Longhorn69’ will probably turn off a lot of people. Who are you trying to market to? Cattle rustlers?

3. Break up with your wife: Seems obvious, right? Wrong! If you are still a) married, b) living with your wife, or c) all of the above, you should probably sort that out before you start dating.

4. Get over your ex-wife: We all carry scars from past relationships but if you’re still crying yourself to sleep over your ex, here’s a hint; you’re not ready to date yet. Go to therapy, go on a bender in Las Vegas, do whatever you need to do. Just don’t date women who are hoping to have a relationship.

5. Don’t go crazy with the texting: More than five texts a day is starting to get into insane stalker territory. If you have that much to say, ask for her email address. If she won’t give it to you, there’s your answer. Avoid an AVO and leave her alone.

6. If you have a significant physical defect, tell her up front: You have no teeth? You’re a legless merman? You emit a skunk-like odour when you’re under duress? Tell the woman before you meet her. That way she can decide if she’s the kind person who dates a merman or the kind of person who prefers land mammals. That way there’s no awkward first date banter about your missing limbs.

7. Tell her if you’ve had a vasectomy: I’m not saying you have to tell her on the first date but you do have to tell her. She might be looking at you like a walking sperm bank so you should tell her if your vault is empty.

8. Don’t try to pash her in a highly public place: You want to go in for the face mash? Great! Good on you! Just do it somewhere semi-private. Don’t insist on shoving your tongue down her throat in a crowded café or in front of a bar full of drunk patrons. If she seems physically repulsed by you after you have kissed her, she is physically repulsed by you. Get out while you can.

9. Pay for stuff: I’m not saying you have to pay for everything but you should definitely pay for some stuff. The best way to do this is to take turns or go halves. Unless you’re a penniless university student dating an heiress, get out your wallet and don’t act stingy when it comes to paying up.

10. Initiate dates: Again, I’m not saying you have to ask her out all the time but you do have to ask her out. She will start getting paranoid if she’s the only one asking to see you. Note: A 4am booty call is not a date.

Did I miss anything? What else do guys need to know?

 

Comments
3 Responses to “Dating advice for men”
  1. Rachel says:

    Do what you say you will do – ie if you say you are going to call actually call. Of course if you don’t like her and really don’t want to see her again say so, don’t string us along. Trust us we’ve all been down this road before and if we don’t float your boat we can handle it. Honesty while being reasonable and polite is the best policy.

  2. Aims says:

    Grea list, Em. I would add: Compliment her – Don’t be afraid to tell her what you like about her, the more original and personal the better. You’ll reap the rewards.

  3. Natureboy says:

    That’s a great list Em, well said! I completely agree with Rachel and Aimee too.

    I’d add that the bulk of the above can apply to women equally as to men. Tell the guy if you want to start a family soon, or down the track, or never. Pay for stuff – most people do but some girls still want guys to pay for everything!

    I guess the biggest is to be honest with your intentions, both to yourself and to your date. Do what you say you are going to do and don’t string the other person along!

    From what I’ve heard though many more guys need to learn this stuff than you girls!

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