Disappointment.com

I am starting to find internet dating soul destroying. My friend calls it disappointment.com. That made me laugh a lot.

Puppy

WHHHHYYYYYY????!!!

I have tried out RSVP, OKCupid, Tinder and now eHarmony. When I was living in the country, I gave Harvest Dating a go too.

Here’s my take on it –

RSVP: A hot bed of confirmed bachelors looking for boobs to touch after a moderately priced meal that they’ve gone halves in. They don’t want a relationship because that would interfere with their successful careers. They don’t even really want a second date. They just want your number so they can text you from time to time from their couch, safe in the knowledge that they will never have to see you again because they’re always ‘too busy’.

OKCupidWeb developers and IT boys looking for love (and boobs to touch). These guys are the most fun and the least Christian. Bonus points if you’re a gamer and an actual nerd girl, as opposed to a nerd appreciator such as myself. You may find actual love.

Tinder: One guy on here had gone to the trouble of combining a picture of his face with a picture of his erect penis which is a little bit like that guessing game at the back of the Good Weekend. Yes, Tinder is all about meaningless sex. If anyone offers to bring a bottle of wine to your house or, alternately, lures you to their house with promises of wine, there’s a good chance you’re not going to finish the first glass.

eHarmonyThe people you would normally meet at church or the gym. I never go to either of these places. They get up early, have important jobs, drink occasionally and have never even seen cocaine. They are very polite, vote Liberal and know more chartered accountants than, say, vegans or bikies.

Harvest DatingSerial killers. They own large bushland properties, shoot pigs for fun and have lots of places they can hide your body. My favourite Harvest Dating experience has to be when 70+ year old men message you. If I was an ‘Acre Chaser’, I would be all over their saggy asses. But no. Just no.

Here’s the thing: I think I am OK. I have a lot to offer. Why is it so goddamn hard?

Like I said, soul destroying.

 

 

Comments
7 Responses to “Disappointment.com”
  1. Lou says:

    You just made me snort. That was so funny, but i feel your pain!! I wish i had some witty great advice but i don’t, except that i’m as baffled as the next person about why on earth you are even still single!

  2. Emma says:

    It feels wrong to laugh at your pain. But at least your good at seeing the silver lining.
    Just give up. And you know from rom-com logic. You’ll bump into ‘him’ carrying tulips on yr way to get coffee tomorrow morning. Guaranteed!

  3. Anthea Whitley says:

    I agree with the notion that internet dating is soul-destroying… Never once yet been on a date!!
    However, to throw water onto the fire.. Im traveling the world and have been for the past 3.5 years.. so You thought that the internet was a hard place to find a soul-mate… try finding one on the Road ?????

  4. Eneida says:

    Having dabbled here myself in the past, I agree it is soul destroying! I went on a date with a man who thought it was OK to take out his Vicks Vapor inhaler and insert it into his nostril one at a time to clear his sinuses while we were sipping on wine at a trendy bar… and then proceeded to wipe his nose in an upward motion with his palm (so he looked like a pig half-way up) while making a flemmy snort. It went downhill from there… On paper, he really did sound peachy…

  5. Oh Em, I feel your pain too but damn you are funny – love your writing. At the very least, disappointment.com gives you great writing fodder. May you find someone gorgeous who appreciates your gift for wonderful prose and other talents 🙂

  6. Virginia says:

    Lordy! Harvest sounds horrific! I totally hear you, Ms Em! And I’ll be blowed if I can work out why someone as gorgeous and vivacious as YOU are finding it hard to pair up.

    I went through internet dating in the early noughties (RSVP, Lavalife, Nerve.com) and – now this is the absolute truth – just when I was about to give up and move to Spain, I got a “free token” offer from Lavalife, trying to lure me back. I did a quick search based on my criteria, and up popped “DutchInOz”. Eight years later, we have a mortgage and 2 dogs… I was a complete non-believer, until it happened.

    I’ve no idea the calibre of guys on Lavalife these days, but nerve.com is even racier these days than it was when I tried it. Still seems to be hip and artsy though. And while it’s a US site, you did get some Australian-based guys on there – not sure if that’s the case now though.

    You will find someone worthy of you – probably when you least expect it. 🙂

  7. LRT says:

    Hey, I don’t vote Liberal! 😉

    And I’ve just met a wonderful person on eharmony, we’ve been together a month – only a month, but it’s been a wonderful ride. Interestingly, neither of us manage to ever get up early!

    x

Leave A Comment