How, you may ask? Well, if you are a geriatric wannabe mother (yes, if you’re over 35, ‘geriatric’ is what you’re called), here is what the $420 specialist will tell you.

• If you’re 37, you have less than a 15% chance of getting pregnant naturally. This information is delivered to you in the form of a laminated chart with a curve that heads depressingly downward as you head towards 40.
• You need to stop drinking, you shameful alco. You like wine, do you? WELL STOP THAT.
• Buy some Elevit. Better still, buy some of this super expensive, obscure vitamin that you and your partner need to take.
• Stop taking your prescription meds.
• Lose weight, fatty.
• Start exercising.
• Say goodbye to caffeine. If you can’t quit completely, one coffee in the morning is OK.
• Here’s a bunch of referrals for tests that include shooting dye through your fallopian tubes, vaginal ultra-sounds and blood tests. These will add up a lot of money and can be of alarming specificity (i.e. you need to have this test done during the first three days of your period).

Are you now feeling horrible about your lifestyle choices, your age and weight? Are you filled with a dark sense of despair and hopelessness?

Good. We’re done here.