Christmas gifts for people you hate

In keeping with my current Christmas gift-buying obsession, here’s my fail-proof guide to gifts for people you loathe:

  1. A leaf blower: You hate them. Soon, everyone else will too.
  2. A chutney gift pack: Has anyone ever used a Christmas chutney? This will live in their pantry and/or fridge and be moved from house to house, cluttering up their life in a way that would make Marie Kondo cringe.
  3. Underpants that are too small: Just one size too small so they can lament how fat they are.
  4. Aldi gin: Aldi is a magical place full of camping gear and German sauerkraut but nothing says ‘I hope you spend Christmas crying’ quite like budget gin. Bonus points for a DVD of Leaving Las Vegas.
  5. An expensive gift voucher for something they will never do or use: It will cause a low level sense of stress as the expiry date rolls around because money but also, nope.
  6. Live spiders inside a delicious Christmas cake: Boy, won’t they get a surprise when they bite into a still twitching funnel web.
  7. An angry phone call from their ex-partner: Nothing says ‘I hate you’ quite like an unexpected call from an enraged ex-partner.
  8. A shark dive experience: Look at how brave they are … oops … were.
  9. A puppy: So cute and yet so destructive, just like Kim Jong Un.
  10. A colonic treatment: They have spent all year giving you the sh*ts. Now it’s your turn to even the score.

What is the worst present you have ever been given? What did you do with it?


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