In keeping with my current Christmas gift-buying obsession, here’s my fail-proof guide to gifts for people you loathe:

1. A leaf blower: You hate them. Soon, everyone else will too.
2. A chutney gift pack: Has anyone ever used a Christmas chutney? This will live in their pantry and/or fridge and be moved from house to house, cluttering up their life in a way that would make Marie Kondo cringe.
3. Underpants that are too small: Just one size too small so they can lament how fat they are.
4. Aldi gin: Aldi is a magical place full of camping gear and German sauerkraut but nothing says ‘I hope you spend Christmas crying’ quite like budget gin. Bonus points for a DVD of Leaving Las Vegas.
5. An expensive gift voucher for something they will never do or use: It will cause a low level sense of stress as the expiry date rolls around because money but also, nope.
6. Live spiders inside a delicious Christmas cake: Boy, won’t they get a surprise when they bite into a still twitching funnel web.
7. An angry phone call from their ex-partner: Nothing says ‘I hate you’ quite like an unexpected call from an enraged ex-partner.
8. A shark dive experience: Look at how brave they are … oops … were.
9. A puppy: So cute and yet so destructive, just like Kim Jong Un.
10. A colonic treatment: They have spent all year giving you the sh*ts. Now it’s your turn to even the score.

What is the worst present you have ever been given? What did you do with it?