Do you need to believe?
I have this problem in romantic relationships where I need to believe it’s going somewhere.
It’s like the whole ‘suspension of disbelief’ theory for movies. Sure, we all know that it’s highly unlikely that a stray alien landed in Drew Barrymore’s childhood bedroom but to enjoy the film E.T., you really need to let go of reality and enjoy the show.
Does the same apply to love?
None of my relationships ever last but, for me to be happy in them, I need to believe they will.
Why can’t I just enjoy the day-to-day aspects of romantic love without buying into the whole wedding/babies/house thing? I have never managed to make any of those things work. A smart person would learn from their failures and take a more realistic stance.
But I just can’t.
The minute I start thinking of a relationship as temporary (and yes, I know everything changes and everyone dies), I get really distressed.
I need to suspend disbelief for the duration of the relationship and believe that this person is The One and we are going to have a future together, even if that ‘future’ turns out to be finite.
I would never accept a job, sign a lease or start a hobby thinking it will be forever. Why do I do it with love?
Because you wouldn’t want to do a job or hold a lease forever but most of us hope that love will be forever. Sadly it doesn’t always work out that way, but generally that’s what we aspire to. I think it’s wonderful that you believe your relationships will last and I don’t think it’s a failure on your part that it hasn’t worked out that way. When you meet the right person, they will believe it too. 🙂
The scary thing with relationships is that you will either be with that person for the rest of your lives or you will break up.
None of us would enter into a relationship with the expectation that we would break up, so maybe that is the reason to think about it going someplace?
Worrying about breaking up will only lead to relationship anxiety, so perhaps it is better to focus on the prospect of it leading somewhere.
The balance then is do we force it to head toward some crazy ideal (eg We will be married in 6 months and have 3 children) or do we let things just flow and find their own place?
Maybe you could suspect that the person is The One, but hold off on that decision for 10 or 20 years?
Because we need to have hope. without the hope of love, it is very a dreary world. Have hope, dear Em.
“None of us would enter into a relationship with the expectation that we would break up, so maybe that is the reason to think about it going someplace?”
I’ve entered heaps of relationships with the expectation that we would break up in time, and they’ve been my most happy, relaxed relationships and always end amicably.
A relationship doesn’t have to be forever to be wonderful.