How to hook up like a pro

Cthulhu_by_Alexander_LiptakGentlemen, I give you the ultimate guide to getting laid.

Step 1: Kissing

To be approached with gentleness, tenderness and subtlety. You are not Cthulhu at a seafood buffet. A woman’s face should never be covered in slime after you have attacked her and she should not look horrified when you come up for air. Don’t jump her in public. Wait until you’ve at least left the bar before you go in for a full-on pash. Even the most PDA-lovin’ ladies will baulk at an extreme display of affection, especially if it’s the first kiss. Think of it as a fancy degustation. You start with an amuse bouche and work your way up to the wagyu. Also, carry gum and brush your teeth. Nobody likes the taste of last night’s curry in a tongue sandwich.

Step 2: Groping

She hasn’t run for the hills yet so here’s your chance to let your fingers do the walking. You can touch her boobs but remember, do not treat them like pizza dough even if her name is Margarita. Absolutely no kneading. You can kiss, suck, fondle, nibble but DO NOT knead. You are not a cat and she is not an armchair. Don’t take her bra off or try to get into her pants in the first five minutes. She may confuse you with a rapist and nobody wants to go to court. Be cool. Follow her lead. If she’s all ‘legs akimbo’, go for gold. If she’s happy keeping business above board, run with that.

Step 3: Foreplay

Do not – I repeat – DO NOT try and bust out any Linda Lovelace Deep Throat shit on her. If she can’t breathe, there’s a 100 per cent chance she’s not enjoying herself. If you’re lucky enough to be getting a blow job, just lay back and enjoy the ride. Do not treat her face like an eel hole in a coral reef. She is the boss of this situation – not you – so just let her do her thing and don’t start humping her face like an idiot. Also, if she’s up for it, it’s good manners to reciprocate. Go downtown, gents. Make friends with her ladybits and once again, reel in the insane enthusiasm. It’s not a pie eating competition and you are not going to win any Guinness World Records for speed.

Step 4: The Sexy Times

Yay! You got there! Now is your chance to do the ancient dance of the beast with two backs (or even three backs, if it’s your birthday). Use a freaking condom and do not complain about it. Try and incorporate as much clitoral attention as possible when you’re in a position to do so and, if she’s screaming, make sure she’s not screaming in pain. Don’t try and have butt sex with her on the first date and DO NOT try and ‘surprise’ her with anal. Just because it’s dark doesn’t excuse any slippage. Maintain the hygiene divide between front and back as ladies do not want to get some sort of revolting infection as a result of sexing you.

Step 5: The Cuddling

Do it. Even if you want to go to sleep. Even if you need to get home and walk your dog. Even if the house is on fire and you should probably evacuate. CUDDLE THE SHIT OUT OF HER, post-sex. Minimum cuddle time of five minutes. Tell her she’s amazing, beautiful, that she rocks your world. This is your chance to upsell to Round Two. Don’t fuck it up and do not leave immediately because it’s just plain rude.

Good luck boys! Any questions, ask away …




3 comments on “How to hook up like a pro

  1. Em, this made me laugh so much I had to read it again right away. But ‘laugh’ in a good way, because you’re SO GOOD at telling it like it is. This is truly your calling, and you just get better and better at this stuff. Maybe it’s a book deal rather than a baby in your future (or both!).

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