Life+Stuff: Douchebags

Lately I have had a bit of exposure to douchebags; the kind of men who revile their mother and frighten animals.

I have learnt a thing or two about how to spot them. Read on, dear friends, and save yourself the embarassment of dating one of these creatures.

1. They have no friends

Grumpy Cat is a douchebag

No best friend? No friends who aren’t blood relatives? No cohesive social group of any kind? Chances are this person is a pariah for good reason. They’re probably a mean, psychotic drunk, commitmentphobe or a real downer to be around for any length of time.

2. They play a lot of computer games or watch a lot of movies

World of Warcraft anyone? When a person’s social life consists of Blood Elves, there’s a chance they are trying to escape a less than optimal reality. Same goes with movies. If they would rather sit in front of the TV alone all weekend, let them.

3. They’re not on Facebook

Who are they avoiding? Who have they offended who wants to track them down and hurt them? Are they in Witness Protection? How many girls have they impregnated who are looking for their Baby Daddy? Suspicious.

4. They sext you constantly

Not only do they sext you; they sext you without any sort of conversational preamble. You ask about a Baba Ganoush recipe and bingo, they’ve got a boner they want to share with you.

5. They let you pay for everything

Bad sign. You’re a girl and the rules of misogyny state that a guy should at least make an effort to buy you a drink.  Plus, it’s just normal politeness to flap some cash in the general direction of the person buying you things.

How do you spot douchebags? Have you ever dated one?


8 comments on “Life+Stuff: Douchebags

  1. I have to disagree with 3, I like guys who aren’t on Facebook! The rest are spot on. I would replace 3 with “They’re on Facebook and Twitter ALL the time.”

  2. You’re only just learning this????? Here’s a few others… They have a wardrobe full of singlets. THeir t-shirts are all black with band names or sex themes. They rarely shave/bathe/brush their teeth so their idea of sex appeal is to marinate themselves in cheap aftershave or cologne. Their sinks are full and wallet always empty. Bad bumperstickers, Filthy car interior, the back seat an archeological dig of Macca wrappers and squashed tinnies.

    Need I say more? Oh and they give bad head.

  3. I was hoping the little cartoon was gonna pop up… ‘cos it’s funny, and relevant. Worth seeing if you want a laff on this topic.

    I think you need to assess your source of potential husbands/fathers of your children, and pick the best one who has pre-qualified himself (oh, says the cougar who settled down long-term with not one, but two younger guys who had nothing on the table, no education, no assets — but then, I wasn’t looking to have kids.)

    I am not saying to become a gold-digger. I know women who are, and they personify sleaze. The last thing you want to do is just marry a wallet. But you can intelligently choose the type of guy you want to date, who has already proven that he has his feet on the ground, and some sort of a life plan.

    So it’s time to look at ‘horses for courses’. Things were different in your 20s. You could just party, and pretty much randomly hook up, and if something longer-term worked out — bonus! Bonk-a-doodle-doo!

    Dating at that age is just like one big extended night at the Impy, hopefully minus the projectile vomiting. But you are in your 30s now. The mating market has changed. Within your demographic, most of the ‘winners’ are already married off by their late 20s. It’s the truth. Most males your age who haven’t already pair-bonded tend to have commitment issues, or other problems.

    Now, you could go looking for a ‘renovator’s special’… but are you willing to work that hard? If your biological clock is truly ticking, and you want to settle down, there are some boxes you need to tick if you intend to go out for anything beyond a coffee date (and first coffee dates are Dutch Treat, unless he asks you out.)

    Things to look for in your child’s future father:

    *Has a job;
    *Has an education (university, TAFE, or trade qualification; or runs his own business);
    *Owns/is paying off a home, or is constructively saving to buy one;
    *Has travelled (you personally would be bored otherwise);
    *Wants to have kids…
    *Can keep it in his pants and has some self-control;
    *Some sort of spiritual belief (not crazy crack-pot insane) is a bonus.

    Things to AVOID — warning signs! NOT A GOOD FUTURE DAD!

    *Lives with his parents — FAILURE TO LAUNCH;
    *Substance abuse issues;
    *Prison record;
    *Taking psychiatric medication (includes anti-depressants);
    *Kids with other women — has to pay financial support;
    *’Hot root’ who wants to have sex with you right away — isn’t willing to wait;
    *Over-the-top religious beliefs;
    *In debt.

    I know this sounds harsh. But as I have told you, I have been a very successful match-maker for decades. It is very satisfying to see my ‘matches’ marry and have good families. So, in this light, I am just trying to distill some basic (sensible) rules here… so your heart won’t get broken again, and your love-life will be douchebag-free.

    Want to get married? Date someone good enough to marry.

  4. I’m sad to hear that you’ve experienced the above 🙁

    I definitely agree with 1 & 2. I learnt that the hard way – Divorce. My ex-husband used to play 50-70 hours a week on the games. On a positive note, when we split, I didn’t miss him. I hadn’t seen him that much!

    Gaming addiction is becoming more and more of a societal problem. Do you know there are over 7,000 members of the Everquest Widows forum? There are alot of women out there who have lost their partners and husbands to computer games such as Everquest. It’s a serious problem, but most people laugh when you say ‘my husband/partner is addicted to computer games’.

    Online games may not seem as bad as substance abuse, but they ruin relationships, twist reality in the gamer’s minds and even endangers lives. A man in Japan died of deep vein thrombosis from playing computer games for too long, and there was a courtcase in the US where a husband was gaming while he was supposed to be babysitting their toddler and through his neglect the toddler died.

    So definitely avoid anyone who is addicted to computer games. You need someone who lives in reality and wants to spend quality time with you.

    On a positive note, I thought this blog post with a ‘Checklist for a Healthy Relationship’ was quite good a while back. I’ve printed it out and kept it http://www.kimleatherdale.com/intimacy/checklist-for-a-healthy-relationship/

  5. From an academic colleague: “…In 1972, Robert L. Trivers,(Harvard), addressed that first assumption in one of evolutionary psychology’s landmark studies, “Parental Investment and Sexual Selection.” He argued that women are more selective about whom they mate with because they’re biologically obliged to invest more in offspring. Given the relative paucity of ova and plenitude of sperm, as well as the unequal feeding duties that fall to women, men invest less in children. Therefore, men should be expected to be less discriminating and more aggressive in competing for females.

    It was an elegant, powerful application of evolutionary theory to the mating game. The evolutionary psychologists of the 1980s and ’90s built on Mr. Trivers’s theory to explain a wide array of stereotypical gender differences in mating.

    In 1993, David M. Buss and David P. Schmitt used parental investment theory to explain why men should be expected to “devote a larger proportion of their total mating effort to short-term mating.” Because men invested less time and effort in their offspring, they evolved toward promiscuity, while women evolved away from it. Promiscuity, the researchers hypothesized, would have been more damaging to the female reputation than to the male reputation. If a man mated with a promiscuous woman, he would never be able to ensure his paternity. Men, on the other hand, could potentially enhance their status by pursuing a short-term mating strategy. (Think Kennedy, Clinton, Spitzer, Letterman and so forth. My space is limited.)…”

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