Our kitchen is an '80s style night club for the cockroaches of the world
Our kitchen is an ’80s style night club for the cockroaches of the Inner West

Our apartment in Glebe is the epicentre of cockroach society. Every tier is represented. Every species. I have never known such activity as what happens in our kitchen after dark.

Even when I opened my laptop (my laptop!), a tiny cockroach ran out.

A couple of weeks ago I was feeding the baby in bed and a ‘roach the size of a kitten climbed up my back. Shudder.

It is so creepy. So very, very creepy to co-exist with so many skittering creatures.

And now there are vinegar flies, shipped in on some errant piece of fruit. They swirl up whenever you approach the fruit bowl and I have taken to clapping my hands in the air to squash them like some loony chorus girl.

And then there’s the spider in the bathroom. I have watched this insect grow from a wee bairn to a fully fledged killer and, oddly, it’s my favourite character in our entomological zoo. I just wish he (or she – my spider anatomy isn’t too flash) wasn’t such a lazy teenager. This house is a Las Vegas-style buffet. Get off your window ledge and go to town, spidey!

And yet I can’t bring myself to poison them. I have only recently been able to squash them, and now, like some domestic Femme Nikita, I have developed a frightening remorselessness. I’m like Liam Neeson and they have taken my daughter, not once, but three times (may I point out to the writers of Taken: this is starting to seem a little careless).

So what to do? How do you guys deal with it when your house becomes a modern day sanctuary for the unattractive members of the animal kingdom? Should I expect some hyenas to show up soon? Some vultures? Should I invest in some carrion for my new guests? Got any eco-friendly ways of dealing with this infestation that don’t involve burning the place to the ground?

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