Dating lies

Her milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard

People have a lot of advice on offer for single people such as myself. Here are a few of my all-time favourites.

‘When you stop looking, you’ll find someone.’

Like when you aren’t looking for Wally? Or a car space? Or a pair of jeans that don’t make your butt look like a depressed pumpkin?

Errr, no. You find these things when you are looking for them.

I have met people when I am looking and when I’m not looking. The fact is, the more people you meet, the more statistically likely you are to meet someone you want in your vagina (and your heart).

‘Guys love it when you play hard to get.’

Do they really? Or do they just get as confused and annoyed as women do when men play games with us? Sure, there’s the thrill of the chase (we love it too) but then there’s deliberately messing someone around because you think it’s the smart thing to do.

If you want to text him straight back, just do it. Any guy who likes you will be stoked. Any guy who doesn’t like you will just get an AVO like everyone else.

‘Don’t sleep with him on the first date.’

If you drink as much as I do on first dates, this is a moot point. I might fall asleep under a table. I might fall asleep on the bus. I might even fall asleep during our first sexual encounter. Yep, I am sexy. And also sleepy after midnight. Deal with it.

But seriously, I flippantly bonked both of the men I have had long-term, meaningful relationships with on the first date. We liked each other and having sex didn’t do anything to damage or change that. If anything, it escalated things. I met their grandmothers and they didn’t even suspect that I was a dirty, first-date-sexing slutbag.

‘The timing needs to be right.’

I have met people when I was heartbroken and fallen completely in love again. The timing couldn’t have been worse and yet, there I was, up to my eyeballs in endorphins and used Kleenex.

Frankly, this is all a crock of shit. What other pieces of questionable dating wisdom should we be ignoring?


5 comments on “Dating lies

  1. Nice one Phil!

    Yep definitely don’t play hard to get. If I feel like a girl isn’t interested then I’ll shrug my shoulders and move on. Why wouldn’t you!

    I guess another thing to dismiss is the idea that there is one true soul mate out there for you – we know there are millions of them – go grab ’em!

  2. Hmm… While I’m as cynical as they come, I must admit, that first “dating lie” actually came true for me way back in 2005.

    I’d had a gut-full of internet dating and had given up on it, planning to move to Europe cos Aussie men just didn’t do it fer me no more. Then I got an email from one of the dating sites I’d been on, offering me free credits to “come back to them”. So I did a search and up popped “DutchInOz” and I made contact. Technically yes, by searching, I was looking, but it felt more like serendipity. In fact, it felt like my dear departed mum had had a hand in it – but make of that what you will.

    Since then, it hasn’t been all beer and skittles but there it is. 🙂

    As for the other lies, I wholeheartedly concur. And the second last one? Bollocks to that! If it feels right, DO IT! 🙂

  3. I totally agree! Can’t stand the ‘when you stop looking, you’ll find someone’. I like to respond to that one with a question back along the lines of… ‘OK so you’re saying that if I sit on my couch every night watching TV, someone will magically appear in my lounge room?’ (They have no come-back)

    Other pearlers of advice I’ve received from friends have included – ‘Why don’t you go to rental open homes? Even if you don’t need a place to rent, there must be plenty of single men to meet there’ (OMG how stalkerish would that be…Hi, you don’t know me, but I now know where you live…!)

    And then there was ‘Why don’t you volunteer to hand out drinks at half-marathons? Lots of men there.’ (I think this friend had forgotten that any man running a marathon would be more interested in procuring oxygen and water, not a girlfriend)

    But I think the most ridiculous was, ‘Why don’t you work 3 days a week, use your divorce settlement money to cover expenses and try to find men on the other days of the week.’ (OMG!!! No idea. NO IDEA.)

    I think there must be someone like the Men in Black going around with a Dating-Scene-Neuraliser, removing memories of that time from the minds of anyone in relationships. That’s the only logical explanation for such nonsensical suggestions! I’ve given up talking about relationships with couples for that very reason.

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