Dear Aunty Em

‘I met a guy at a large gig.We had fun dancing together and hanging out. Later into the night, we went our separate ways to hang out with our friends, thinking we would run into each other again but it didn’t happen. Now I’ve managed to stalk this guy down through social media even though I only knew three things about him. Should I let it go and put it down to a fun memory or is it acceptable to send a private message?’

– Stalker

Dear Stalker,

It would be weird for you not to stalk this guy online. I Google things like ‘Cleopatra in pyjamas’, ‘Lego head’ and ‘Wayward Pines’, according to my search history. I search for cafes on Facebook just to see what their lunch salads look like. If I admire a handsome cactus, I set up a Pinterest board in its honour.

THIS MAN HAD HIS FACE IN YOUR FACE. You’re pretty much betrothed.

Therefore, it is 100% OK for you to internet stalk him.

I’m not saying it’s OK to hack into his bank account or show up naked at his office.

You shouldn’t pee on his face while he’s sleeping or call his mother pretending you’re his new girlfriend but you can totally message him on Facebook.

Message him and tell him you enjoyed meeting him. Tell him you were sorry you didn’t see him again. Ask him if he might like to plant his tongue in you again sometime.

He will Google you immediately and the stalking will be a moot point.




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