‘My arsehole ex-husband has knocked up a young Asian lady. They are having a baby and I worry about our son and what to do. The young girl thinks she’s my son’s mother. She assaulted him on New Year’s Eve. What do I do?’

– Worried Mama

Dear Worried Mama,

Whoah, I am out of my depth here. There’s a lot going on but let’s start with your ex and his choice of mate. I am hearing that you disapprove of this woman so you need to ask yourself what it is about her that’s upsetting you. Is she a gold-digger? Is she a Thai transvestite visa bride? Or is she simply a hot young Asian woman that your ex got pregnant?

If it were me, I would feel slightly jealous and threatened by any woman who was hanging out with my kid, especially if she didn’t seem particularly wholesome. No one wants a Li’l Kim babysitting their child.

There’s nothing you can do about the fact that she’s going to be a part of your son’s life, and by extension, your life, so the main thing to ascertain is whether she is fit to be around your son.

Offline we discussed the nature of the assault described above because I needed to be clear about whether she was Kathy Bates in Misery or the mother in Home Alone. It turns out she got pissed on NYE and fell on your son. This is not cool at all but it’s also not locking him in a basement and breaking his legs.

You need to speak to your ex about this behaviour and be very clear about that fact you are not comfortable with his new partner being drunk around your son.

When the baby is born, things are going to get even more complicated. Your son will have to cope with a mewling Eurasian baby and everyone knows how cute they are. He is going to start feeling threatened too.

In summary, this is an awkwardness clusterf*ck but you are well within your rights to be across everything that affects your son’s wellbeing. You’re going to have to bite the proverbial shit sandwich, meet this woman and talk to her about your rules for caring for your son.