How to become a motivational speaker

People get extra weird at altitude
People get extra weird at altitude

I see a lot of motivational speakers in action. What I have realised is this: there’s a formula you can follow if you’re willing to hack off a limb or get lost in the wilderness. Read on for my foolproof guide for turning your bad experiences into cold, hard keynote cash.

1. Come up with an inspirational slogan
It doesn’t have to make sense, relate to you or be effective in any way. My personal favourite: ‘If you believe you can, you will’.

Let’s road test that, shall we? I believe I can grow fairy wings and fly to Bjork’s house for a sauna. I will get back to you on my progress.

2. Do something involving snow, ice and/or a really big mountain
Fancy yourself a bit of an arctic explorer? Want to climb Everest with only one leg? Feel like breaking an Olympic record in some completely unknown winter sport involving brooms or bobsleds? Excellent! Your public speaking career is assured, especially if you broke most of your bones, teeth and drunken bedroom promises to quit your potentially fatal hobby.

3. Grow up dirt poor in a slum
Were you actually born in a tent? Did your mother give birth to you in an Albanian tractor workshop while she was making black market munitions for the resistance? Did you grow up using a Monopoly board for shelter, one day dreaming of owning Park Lane and Mayfair and building a f*ck load of hotels on them? This is good news for your future career. Which leads me to …

4. Have a dream from childhood
Did you want to befriend the Duchess of York and go on a debauched holiday to Rio? Did you want to become a doctor, even though you have the IQ of a traffic cone? Or perhaps a food critic, despite being born with a debilitating and rare condition where you have no tastebuds?

When you eventually get on that plane with Fergie, you are not only one step closer to AA; you are one step closer to the limelight.

5. Lose everything
It doesn’t matter if you lost everything to the tax department because you lied to your accountant. Same goes for losing everything in a fire that was set by your frenemies in the triads. The point here is losing it all and rebuilding an empire; a glorious empire funded by you glossing over your criminal misdeeds and inspiring future white collar felons with your success.


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