Internet dating communication tips for guys

Douchebaggery in motion

I have received some batshit crazy messages from guys recently.

I signed up to Plenty of Fish for a bit of a laugh and YIKES, I have never been sent so many dick pics. Terrible dick pics with mop buckets in the background. Guys, pay some attention to the mise en scene!

Mop Dick, as he is now known, also sent me a video of himself masturbating, followed by about 25 abusive messages because I blanked him after that. Um, dude, I just copped at eyeful of your junk and it wasn’t that impressive. I don’t think you can fairly accuse me of being rude.

The level of crazy out there is Code Red so if you want to seduce a lady into bed, gentlemen, take heed of these wise words.

1. Do not message more than once
If I haven’t responded, it’s because I don’t like you. Repeatedly messaging me isn’t going to change my mind.

2. Do not send dick pics unless specifically requested
If I haven’t uttered the words ‘Send me a poorly art directed smartphone photo of your junk’, I don’t want a poorly art direct smartphone photo of your junk. Got it?

3. Do not launch straight into unsolicited sexting
You want me to sit on your face? You want to lick my body? But you’re not [actual quote] ‘a sleazy guy or a perv or stuff. Just means your hot’. Hmmm.

4. Learn the critically important difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’
Yes gentlemen, we ladies are literate. If you are not, take your business elsewhere.

5. If you make a date with me, remember to cancel if you can’t make it
This is basic good manners. One guy invited me to dinner at his house and sent many pre-promotional photos of his mad cooking skills and then completely forgot to tell me dinner was cancelled because he was stuck at work. If we’ve gotten to the point where you’ve sent me your address and we’ve set a time/date, you need to actually cancel. I double checked because I am cynical and paranoid but it’s lucky I did because I could’ve ended up wandering around Matraville with a bottle of wine and a bad attitude.

Ladies, anything to add?












3 comments on “Internet dating communication tips for guys

  1. When a man has in his profile that he doesn’t smoke and is a casual drinker, he will show up to the date wearing nicotine patches and tell you that he has cut his drinking down to a six-pack every night. ‘Oh, and I smoke a bit of choof, just to get to sleep.’

  2. I cannot agree with the mise en scene comment enough.

    Also, if you’re going to be a sleazy, pervy, junk-photo-sending weirdo – at least bloody own it!

    Don’t go all, ‘oh, you’re overreacting, I was just joking, don’t be so sensitive, I’m really a nice guy, blah blah blah’ when you get called out on it.

    No, I’m not sensitive and over-reacting and you weren’t joking. And you’re probably not A Nice Guy. You’re a sleaze sending unsolicited dick pics and you damn well know it, so stop kidding yourself.

    🙂 x

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