Valentine’s Day is a fraught time for menfolk as they attempt to meet their partner’s expectations, while also acknowledging that Valentine’s Day is a huge con.

After all, St Valentine is not only the patron saint of lovers, but also epileptics and beekeepers. I don’t see anyone busting out the Epipens or turning off the strobe lights. It seems romance is the cannily chosen commercial thread in this saint’s oeuvre.

My hubs is very skeptical about V Day but knows that I LOVE IT so he usually makes a nominal effort just to avoid upsetting me.

But wow – it is a minefield if you’re buying for a picky bitch like me. Read on for a gift guide for difficult women.

Flowers

I don’t want long stem roses shipped in from South America. They will make me sad because they will a) die quickly after being in cold storage for so long, b) they have a ginormous carbon footprint, and c) they’re just so expected.

If you really knew me, you would know that I want a hefty bunch of eye-wateringly expensive flowers from a posh florist with a devoted Instagram following.

Underwear

Do not give me weird synthetic underwear that gives me thrush just looking at it. There is nothing sexy about trying to shovel your size 18 frame into a lace puzzle held together by strings, and then feeling depressed because you look like a lamb roast.

If you must buy me knickers, find out my size and ask a shop assistant to help you.

Teddy bears

F*CK NO. Do I look like an infant? Only give me a teddy bear if you want a divorce.

Chocolates

I’ll allow it, so long as they’re in a box tied with ribbons and there’s a pictorial guide. One caveat: we’re allowed to eat the whole lot while we’re on the couch watching Netflix.

Champagne

YES! We’re really getting somewhere now.

Poems

Did you write it yourself? If so, GROSS. Burn it and let us never speak of it again.

Candlelit dinner

In our house? With our toddler? YES PLEASE. Eating dinner at home with you two is where real love lives.

Fancy dinners out on Valentine’s Day are invariably crap. The kitchen teams get smashed so they put on set menus with timed seatings. There’s usually some tacky balloons and Baby’s Breath, and a bunch of couples sitting around looking like they’re being forced into something unpleasant (because they are).

Sex

Ha ha – as if! As if we’re going to get our kit off just because it’s some dead Roman’s martyrdom date. Sure, it’s possible. I mean we never thought Trump would become President so anything is possible …. but is it likely? My money is on no. We’re tired, it’s Friday night and we still have three episodes of On Becoming a God in Central Florida to get through.

What are your pet Valentine’s Day peeves? Is there anything you really love about it? Or hate?