Life+Stuff: Dumped
I got dumped on New Year’s day. I felt relieved. I couldn’t explain it at the time but once the hangover had subsided and my perspective returned, it made sense. This guy was complicated. He had three small children, a strained relationship with his ex, was living with his parents and was trying out his umpteenth career. Nonetheless, all I saw was potential. He was razor sharp (emphasis on the ability to inflict pain), brooding, sexy and he claimed to love me.
I had convinced myself so thoroughly that I was going to Make It Work that I completely ignored what was actually right for me. How odd.
I need someone social, happy, independent, adventurous, affectionate and fun-loving; not some seething mass of insecurity and unexpressed rage. Why on earth would I con myself into thinking I should pull out all the stops? Was it simply that I didn’t want to fail again (again, again, again)?
Have you ever done this? Been so hopeful that you fail to see the reality of a situation? Is there such a thing as an excess of optimism? Have you ever been stuck in a bad situation because you were afraid of failing again?
There’s a wonderful song by the Amazing Rhythm Aces that talks about this. IT’s called “Let’s Have One More Dance Before Burning the Ballroom Down. You’re nit a putz babe-be. You saw potential. People ask me why there are so many unsigned bands in the music bands. They all see the potential. Not the truth.
Talent is plentiful;
Talent is cheap.
Talent is the most disposable commodity in the music biz.
You did nothing wrong other than hope, believe and give love. You pulled yourself up, cleaned yourself off and now you’re ready to board the ride again.
Ahh a man’s potential, the downfall of many a woman’s hope and dreams for a relationship. If only we could take off the rose coloured glasses and see what is in front of us rather than the ideal we want the man to fulfill. (Or if only many of these men could also see this potential and try to live up to it, but this is often unrealistic)
Hope the disappointment and hurt over the break up sn’t too long lasting and that you can come out the other side a little wiser if nothing else. Try not to lose the optimism although right now I’m sure it’s tough.
Oh Em- ugh. But Yay. Living with parents and seething unexplained rage are two non-negotiables for my lovely friend to take on.
2013 is going to be amazing for you xxx
21 years ago I met the man with 3 small children, fell in love, and had a roller coaster life for many years (through many insecurities and much rage). 5 years later I had a child with him, more time on the roller coaster ensued and the 3 children no longer approved of me. Then 8 years ago we moved to Melbourne and had to learn to rely upon each other, and more importantly, like each other. 5 years ago we got married, much to our daughter’s delight, and the 3 of us have lived relatively happily ever since and the 3 adult children live in another state.
Internet dating SUCKS. Out of hundreds of friends who have tried it, I only know of one couple who worked out — and they had every possible lifestyle element in common, and went into business together. Internet dating nearly always ends in tears. Most guys just use it for fast sex.
Hon, I believe in you, and think you are one top-quality sheila. What you need right now is a man who is stable, owns his own home, is employed, doesn’t come with ‘baggage’, and is 100% motivated to get married and have a family. You also need a man with Real Life references. And I believe I have just introduced you to one such fellow… please pursue the opportunity. He’s a gentleman.
Sending loads of love your way beautiful Em. The man you choose to be with is going to be a top bloke – and will be cheering at his good fortune methinks.
I wonder if we need the sharp reality of someone entirely unsuitable to send us off in search of what we do need in a man. It sounds like pretty familiar terrain, unfortunately. Just six months past in this case.
But we are resilient and tough – as well as warm and fabulous wimmin. We will get there and when we do, it will be grand.