Dear Aunty Em: Sex-less
“I love my bf. We have spoken about marriage, buying a house, etc. We have been together for three years but the sex is non-existent. Like once a quarter, if that. And then it’s not very enjoyable. I’m his first and only sexual partner and I’ve tried to teach him a few tricks, improve/spice things up but it’s no use. I love him to bits and he helps me through life every day. He is caring, considerate, loving, gets along with my family, etc. I still find him attractive but he just isn’t interested in sex at all. What can I do?”
This is the worst kind of conundrum, and one of the oldest. This is the reason brothels do a roaring trade, sites like Ashley Madison exist, and florists have a luxe product line called ‘Guilty Spouse’.
Sex is a basic human need. It’s that simple. We are hard-wired to seek it out, and if we can’t get it from our partners, all that disused sexual energy is going to go somewhere.
Many couples go through periods where their libidos are out of synch. It can be down to exhaustion, stress or mental health issues. These things can be addressed and overcome.
A more serious problem is if you have fundamentally mismatched libidos. If your partner is not open to working out an alternative arrangement (i.e. an open relationship), and you are not open to living a sex-free existence, you have hit an insurmountable hurdle.
Be completely honest and if you cannot find a way forward, you need to seriously consider ending it. This sounds harsh but an affair, followed by an acrimonious divorce is worse.